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So this post is going to be a bit different than the ones that I usually post. If you are triggered by death please skip over this as I wouldn’t want to cause you any sorrow.
Over the weekend we had much to celebrate. It was a time of thanks and it was also my nieces 13th birthday. Though we didn’t get to celebrate in the normal sense, we were able to give to each other in other ways as well as celebrate my niece.
Unfortunately, the day after my nieces birthday we received an unexpected phone call. One that you know may one day come but comes unexpectedly. We were all shocked to find out that my Stepdad had passed away. Though he was not my blood relative, he did raise me as his own, as he was in my life from the time I was 2 years old.
This news has been difficult to deal with. I feel for my siblings as they lost their Father and I know to well that feeling – a few years ago my biological Father passed away.
It is something that you know will eventually happen but there is never a way to fully prepare for it. For me I am currently going between anger, shock and grief. I also sit at times and think of the happy memories that we as a family created.
What makes this time even more difficult for me personally is that it also brings up memories of when my biological passed away and having to plan his funeral. It have been having a hard time separating the two because I am going through what feels like the same things over again. I know that this shall pass – as it is not something I have been thinking about 24/7 but it does come up and makes me cry even more.
I have been staying up late thinking about my Stepdad – memories that we have, his voice, his mannerism and much more. Even as I sit here writing I am thinking of times in the past and my tears are freely flowing.
I have always had difficulty sleeping off and on throughout my adult life but lately it has been even more. I worry that I will get news of someone else passing away and it swells up inside me causing me to toss and turn.
I have moments in my days in which I just start crying and it is tough to get my mind in a positive space. The grief just overwhelms me and I can’t think straight. I feel lost at times as I feel numb and unable to think straight. These feelings are feelings I wish upon nobody. It is life-altering and not something that you can really just push aside (well in my case) and carry on about your day. For me I have to really just allow myself to feel the grief before I am able to move on.
When you lose someone close to you remember that you are allowed to feel all the feelings that come up. For everyone that may be different so please let others that are grieving to deal with the death in their own way, however, also be as supportive as you can be.
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